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October 2010
You mean I can park AT the theater?!
This summer, I finally broke down and
bought not one, but TWO of those laminated fold-out Portland maps.
One for each car. Now, no matter what car I’m in, we’ll always
have one of those laminated fold-out Portland maps.
Now, in theory, if I ever get lost in Portland, I’ll be able to pull over, try to
assess where I am, find that on the map, and then try to find my
destination, and then safely proceed.
The problem is, that whenever I head into Portland, I never seem to have, oh, I don’t
know, an actual list of names and addresses of the places that I
might want to go.
Like the other weekend, we were sure we
were near the Lucky Lab bar, so we tried to find it.
It took us 25 minutes and I had to ask
directions twice, but we made it. And come to think of it, we
didn’t even use the laminated fold-out Portland map.
But I’ll tell you what, those laminated
fold-out maps shouldn’t have street names and landmarks and
highways and by-ways.
What they need to indicate is PARKING
SPACES. Especially ones that are EMPTY.
I really could have used a map like that
last week.
As the Laugh More Tour continued, I headed
to Portland to a new
destination - McMenamin’s Mission Theater, and, I swear, there was
not an open parking space for about a 5-mile radius.
I arrived at the theater remarkably on
time. It was about 6:45 p.m., but by the time 7:15 hit, I was still driving around looking for
a spot. I even tried to park in this somewhat questionable looking
industrial area nearby – you know, you think you kind of see an
available space, but you’re not quite sure if it is a space, and
you still can’t judge if your car will actually fit into that
space anyway?
Well, as I was trying to finagle my car
into that space, a HUGE tow truck rumbled by, and I think the
driver was texting my position into his
GPS unit.
I finally gave up, and drove across I-405
to the Pearl District, drove a few blocks, and pulled into a pay
lot.
I think it cost about 6 bucks.
It wasn’t a terribly long walk to the
theater, but, sheesh, why can’t this town have more parking? What
the heck would a disabled person ever do if THEY were on a comedy
tour?
So I finally get to the theater, and I’m
standing outside, taking a picture of the marquee sign that’s
lighted up on the building wall, you know, for the scrapbook.
And I look around.
And I realize, that what I’m standing in,
is basically an empty parking lot.
And I mean, empty.
And then I look at the signs on the wall
behind me.
“Theater Parking Only after
7 p.m.”
Jennifer Coolidge
Mission Theater, Portland
Oct. 2, 2010
How was this show? Well, she’s single,
she’s a striking blonde, she’s brash, sometimes a bit crude, not
afraid to speak her mind and she’s had starring roles in movies
like American Pie, Legally Blonde One and Two, A Mighty Wind, and
possibly one of the greatest movies of all time — “Best in Show.”
So I’m pretty sure, when I get around to
re-watching those movies, I’m probably going to have a better
appreciation for the supporting actress role.
(Lady GaGa song blaring as an intro)
Hello Portland!
Opening Joke: “Wow,
Portland, Gee, I didn’t know what to expect:
I thought there’d be a few horses in the audience”
The Real Reason I’m Late
My Dress is 4 sizes too small
It must be nice here, to be able to pick
mushrooms from your front lawn
I’m trying to get out of LA
I was Born Too Tired to Listen to Anyone
What Country is
Helsinki
really in?
Let me Impress you with My Knowledge of Your
Culture
Attracting men with the Avatar Video Game
They made me audition for the Musical version
of Legally Blonde
An edited scene from Brokeback Mountain
(and why I didn’t like that movie)
German Strudel Shop Girl Scene (I needed a
Pastry break anyway)
A New Kind of Diet
New Techniques for Dealing with Hecklers
How I get the Weird Best Friend Roles
Impressions of supermodel Giselle
What You Need to be J-Lo’s Best Friend
Paris
Hilton Dialog on Ellen
Kim K backstage at a Carl’s Jr. Commercial
An Amazing Business Woman’s Strategy
This diet beats Jenny Craig any day
Rene’s audition for Bridget Jones
Why my boyfriend left me this year
Faceblindness Telethon
I won’t date short guys anymore
Watching Oprah
Alone with a Pet Monkey on a Rainy Night
You Look Great from a Distance
Never book a room on the 14th Floor
When Celebrities Lie
Raquel Welch does Shakespeare
Touring Scotland’s
Dungeons
What it feels like to almost die
Being embarrassed in a Gift Shop with my
Australian boyfriend
My Mom told me to Wear Underwear
Phil Spector would like my house
Ripley's Believe it Or Not
Real Life Dating Advice
Making the Best of a Bad Situation
Have a PC (Penelope Cruz) Year
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