As of Tuesday, March 6, 2018
There are a lot of people walking around these days looking like their puppy’s just been poisoned. Which, of course, reminds me of a joke:
A horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks, “Why the long face?”
Well, I’m not going into all the reasons one might have these days for running around like the baby’s bib is on fire. I’m trying here to put a positive spin on things, and I don’t want to get into the whole list of negatives because it’s pretty long. I mean, REALLY long. Like Florida python long.
And this is what I’m talking about. It’s all in how you look at things. Because Florida’s got a lot of problems, right? And if we ignore their sloppy voting habits and the way they all drive, their python problem is up near the top of the heap. They’ve got pythons crawling out of their ears down there! But we don’t have to treat this problem like the end of the world. I mean, have you seen some of the videos? The one where the python eats the alligator and then explodes? That is awesome video! That’s some powerful entertainment! And what’s so bad about that?
Speaking of entertainment, I also hear they’ve got a lot of wild boars down in that part of the country. So many, in fact, that to hunt them you need a semi-automatic weapon. It’s scary hunting wild boars when there are so many of them. Imagine you’re out there in the swamp all alone, and suddenly, say, a whole pack of wild boars came rushing at you all at once! You certainly couldn’t kill all of them with a musket-loader. And that’s not even mentioning the python trying to swallow your leg!
So anyway, I’m trying to look at our collective glass as half full. I mean, look at the economy! It’s booming and the opportunities are endless. I doubt there has ever been a better time in the history of modern civilization to be a billionaire. Or even just an ordinary multi-millionaire. CEO bonuses have never been bigger, corporate taxes never lower. It’s a great time to be alive if you’ve got a ton of money. The world is your oyster!
I’m doing my part to counteract all the division and negativity we’ve been experiencing recently. I believe that, no matter what is going on, we can always put a positive spin on even the most heinous atrocity. For example, I’ve been hearing that “Fake News” is a “horrible” “problem” these days. I understand, from one of my most trusted Twitter sources, that the “media” is interpreting everything it reports in the worst light possible. “Why?” you might ask. Could it have something to do with the fact that the world is circling the frikk’n toilet? I don’t think so! I think it’s because the “news” “organizations” are all being run by a bunch of Negative Ninnies and No-No-Naysayers. They need to just lighten up a little!
For instance, how about this recent article I read reporting an Approval Ratings poll. “Approval” is about as positive a word as you can imagine. When you approve of something, it’s like, “Right on!” and “Way to go!” You’d think an entire news article about “approval ratings” would be a positive thing, and yet the whole piece seemed written by a food critic who had just bitten down on a whole peppercorn. It seemed to harp on the “fact” that “not so many people” approved of “someone’s” job “performance.”
After I finished reading, I had the impression that a whole lot of people were feeling a little disappointed. But then using my superior intellect and camptalivationism (sic), I was able to look beyond the pouting protestations and abject adjectives and see the positive.
So think this through for yourselves:
The article reported that “only” 35 percent of those surveyed approved. That doesn’t seem like very much. But after I dug deeper into the article, I got out my calculator. The article was, in fact, terribly misleading. Besides the originally stated 35 percent approval rating, it said 80 percent of Republicans approved. That’s pretty positive! And 5 percent of Democrats approved, and 35 percent of Independents approved, and 52 percent of gun owners, and 17 percent of non-gun owners, and 29 percent women, 42 percent men, 22 percent under 35 years, 43 percent over 50, 42 percent whites, and a whopping 2.3 percent of non-whites all approved.
Now do the math! Add all those percentages up, and you’ve got a 425 percent approval rating! And add in the poll’s 3.7 percent margin of error, and that’s 428.7 percent! Multiply that times the population of the whole country, and that’s a huge approval rating. The biggest!
That’s even more people than watched the last presidential inauguration.